“Be gentle to yourself” – my friend said with a mixed tone of care and worry. Yes, I will. I will be gentle to people along the way as well as myself, who is brave enough to go on the adventure.
There are lots of people not caring what others think, but apparently I am not one of them. I followed rules and behaved well to get into top universities, to thrive in the top consulting firm and to win trust from people around me. However, I always asked myself: “without seeing how dangerous and dark the world can be, how can I appreciate my life?”
One night, the emptiness struck me badly. I did not need anything or anyone to make me completed, but I needed the experiences to make my life completed. I did not want to die with the regret of not experiencing everything I wanted to experience. Life should be a journey to discover, not to achieve.
Since then, I have been going on the journey. I lingered on streets at midnight with the bone-chilling wind to wake myself up from the shock and confusion. I kissed strangers under the moonlight to seek for the warmness I had looked for for so long. I drank whisky to start philosophical conversations with the immature self. Not to mention those things that might cause me lots of troubles. The mysterious but colorful feelings really blew my mind, and I enjoyed my life to the level I had never ever reached to. But there was one day, suddenly, I fell apart. I just could not hold myself together anymore.
The morale self beat the adventurous self. The rules, the guidelines and the burden of love I bore from childhood freaked out when seeing myself running recklessly to the endless darkness. No, no tears, but very deep humiliation. Nothing worse than being humiliated by yourself. Nothing.
After countless questions and doubts, I survived. I will not pretend to have a good reason for the survival. Maybe just because of the true belief in the authenticity of human beings. I know that stories will go on; my journey will go on. I might hurt others and myself, but I will not stop. Life exists only if I keep rolling the dice. Along the way, let’s be gentle, to both ourselves and people around us.