Be Gentle to Yourself 對自己溫柔

(附中文) “Be gentle to yourself” – my friend said with a mixed tone of care and worry. Yes, I will. I will be gentle to people along the way as well as myself, who is brave enough to go on the adventure.

There are lots of people not caring what others think, but apparently I am not one of them. I followed rules and behaved well to get into top universities, to thrive in the top consulting firm and to win trust from people around me. However, I always asked myself: “without seeing how dangerous and dark the world can be, how can I appreciate my life?”

One night, the emptiness struck me badly. I did not need anything or anyone to make me completed, but I needed the experiences to make my life completed. I did not want to die with the regret of not experiencing everything I wanted to experience. Life should be a journey to discover, not to achieve.

Since then, I have been going on the journey. I lingered on streets at midnight with the bone-chilling wind to wake myself up from the shock and confusion. I kissed strangers under the moonlight to seek for the warmness I had looked for for so long. I drank whisky to start philosophical conversations with the immature self. Not to mention those things that might cause me lots of troubles. The mysterious but colorful feelings really blew my mind, and I enjoyed my life to the level I had never ever reached to. But there was one day, suddenly, I fell apart. I just could not hold myself together anymore.

The morale self beat the adventurous self. The rules, the guidelines and the burden of love I bore from childhood freaked out when seeing myself running recklessly to the endless darkness. No, no tears, but very deep humiliation. Nothing worse than being humiliated by yourself. Nothing.

After countless questions and doubts, I survived. I will not pretend to have a good reason for the survival. Maybe just because of the true belief in the authenticity of human beings. I know that stories will go on; my journey will go on. I might hurt others and myself, but I will not stop. Life exists only if I keep rolling the dice. Along the way, let’s be gentle, to both ourselves and people around us.

朋友用一種混合著關心和擔憂的語氣對我說:「對自己溫柔一點喔!」會吧,我想我會對這一路遇到的人和那個勇敢冒險的自己,更溫柔一點的。

這世界上很多人從不在乎別人怎麼評價他們,但我顯然不是這種人。我總是乖乖地遵守規定、努力做好每件事情,從考進頂尖學校、任職頂尖顧問公司到贏得所有人的信任,幾乎從沒失手。但一路上我總不斷問自己:「如果不曾看過這世界的險惡,怎麼能夠安於現有的生活?」

還記得那天晚上,空虛的感受像狂風敲打玻璃窗戶,吵得我無法入眠。我其實不需要任何人、任何事來讓自己變得完整,但我需要這些體驗來讓生命更完整。我害怕在死去的那天,後悔不曾經歷過所有我希望經歷的事情。我始終相信生命的核心是發現、而非成就。

從那之後,我踏上了這趟旅程。我在刺骨寒風的街頭嘗試喚醒震驚與困惑的自己;我在月光下親吻著陌生的臉龐以尋找那我遍尋不著的溫暖;我喝著威士忌以開啟新一輪與不成熟的自己的哲學辯論。那樣迷幻多彩的感受充滿著我的心,快樂地無法自拔。然而有天,突然之間,我就這麼從裡而外被過多的感受炸開。

道德意識打敗了冒險的心。從小到大背負著的教條、規範與無法承受的愛,就這麼狂暴地席捲了在無盡黑暗中飛奔像遠方的我。不,我並不想哭,反而是覺得被自己羞辱了。世上最糟的感受就是被自己羞辱了。

很多的問題與疑惑,但我走過來了。我不會假裝好像有什麼了不起的事情拯救了我,如果真要說有,大概就只是對於人類本身的真誠的堅定信仰吧。我知道故事會繼續、我的旅程也會繼續。或許我會傷害自己或他人,但我不會停止。只有當我們持續擲著上帝的骰子、見證各種可能,生命才算存在。這一路上,讓我們都對自己、對別人溫柔一點吧!

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